Hello, welcome to the

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, please listen carefully and little voices will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press—no one will answer.